brace yourself

so i don't have much time to write so i will get to the true meat of what is going on here. i will save details of what i am eating and doing and details of the ocean view for later. this morning i went to a prison. just a small group of about 8 of us. in one of the poorest countries in the world, a prison. where poor poor men are sent for years of captivity. we were greeted by men lined up down a narrow hallway, clapping and singing and worshipping Jesus. Jesus. Jesus Christ. i immediately felt the joy and peace that only the supernatural power of God can create. i was undone by their worship and more so by their faith. in the Western world we doubt God, make fun of Jesus, and claim we have all the answers ourselves. been these men have accepted him recklessly. they have grabbed hold of the one thing that can bring them out of their bondage and set them free and for most of them it is real. the removal of our sinful nature and becoming full of the love that only Jesus can bring is truly the only thing that can change them, this nation, our nation, the world. after Georgian preached they decided that instead of us praying for them that they would pray for us. it is my prayer that their faith rubbed off on me. this encounter is very difficult to describe. it requires me to expose my cycle of belief and unbelief and how i, at times, doubt God. they didn't grow up in a culture like mine, their churches are not full of hypocrisy, and empty dead religion. they have the real thing and i want what they have. a blind faith and a desperation for the real true Savior.

following this trip to a prison in Africa, i went up to the prayer hut for one of Heidi's teachings. my attitude was, at first, that i had heard heidi speak a million times and that i would be rather bored to be honest. i have watched every video she's ever made, read every book, attended all her messages while in school, have the tivo set for if she ever speaks on TV, watched all her online sermons and listen to her podcasts. so i know all the stories and can recite them. but the minute i stepped into the prayer hut i felt something. the minute i got here, i was a bit shocked, afraid, confused and honestly, ready to go back home. i missed my sister. my punkins. my target. my sheets. there are roaches in my bathroom, ants all over the place in all my stuff and we have no water. but as i listened to heidi it all came back to me, why i was here. she began to talk about the need. the hungry, the dying and the boy with the little lunch of bread and fish that fed 5000. instantly, i knew that i was not back here, under this hut by happenstance. hearing this exact same message that wrecked me two years ago. i knew what she was about to say. "will you see the poor"? and i knew that the last time she preached this message i became a puddle on the floor and all that God was speaking to me came and sank deeper and showed me that this was my purpose in life and a call i could not refuse. she gave personal examples of desperate situations, even in her own life with her husband who has suffered terribly over the past two years. he has been sick with so many different diagnosed illness but basically was suffering memory loss and was diagnosed with PTSD from all the horrific things witnessed on the mission field. he is a brilliant man, and known for his great intellect and over the past few years he could not remember names and people and was completely helpless. and she talked about the moments when she herself wondered, "is there really always enough". this is her main message that there is always enough but she questions it too. there are moments when it doesn't seem so. but God shows up and Rolland is better and there is not enough money for food on the base, but God shows up, and your situation seems helpless but God shows up. and i feel the call all over again and i know why i am here. i cannot be afraid, i cannot let money be my excuse. i have no choice but to serve Him. i have no choice but to bring life to the living dead. i have no choice but to bring water and food to a hungry nation, in that natural and in the spiritual. i have given Him my life and i have no other choice. i have no idea what that looks like or even what else to say, other than He is more than enough. He is greater than my fear and His bank account is bigger than mine. The life I live is not my own. i see even more the need for sustainable village models to be implemented all over this nation and i want to do it! i don't know how, or when. but i am simply wrecked and undone and in love. it's only been five days. there is so much more to say and to explain, but limited computer time has me all rushed and flustered. thank you all for sending me. in five little days i am already changed and will never be the same. i wish i could put it all in a bottle and bring it back for you to drink. it is bitter, but oh so sweet. kinda like ginger beer, but better. much love.