11. Fear of Failure by Carla Fallin

I met her at our "halfway" point. When I pulled into the parking lot I immediately recognized her dirty red mini van. Written in the dirt on the back window in cursive that could only be Catherine's it read (so I thought), "Too Blessed to be Stressed." As I pulled up beside her and got out of my car, the van door swung open and kids piled out, and so did Chic-fil-a cups and an entire box of fruit snacks. As I looked closer at the van I noticed that someone who could only be my namesake (Emma Grace) had rubbed out the letters and managed to write in the same dirt on the window, "Too STRessed to be BLessed." We went inside and exchanged information quickly. She gave instructions on "the kid" and I filled her in with my social events and ailments; recent suspected food allergies and digestive issues and tentative plans to leave the country again. She interjected her lists of the girls' exams, papers, tests, proms, and social events. Then the boys' karate classes, boy scouts, history lessons and a pie that needed to be made by in the morning. The list got long and daunting and then she added emphatically, "AND I am driving around with a filthy van that says, 'Too Stressed to be Blessed' on the back!" We both knew who had done it and found it hysterical. She laughed so hard her eyes shut tight and her nostrils flared as they always do. In that moment I was 4 and she 11 and all was right with the whole entire world.

An entry from my sister

     I will always remember the fear in that moment.  Kevin had gone back to work and my Mom was packing to go home.  She said she would stay long enough for me to take one more hot bath, and then I would be left alone with a 16 month old toddler and a newborn barely 4 days old. I ran the water, climbed into the tub, tucked my knees up to my chin and sobbed.  I will also always remember the Holy Spirit whispering in that moment, “I gave you this baby because I wanted to give you a gift.”  Those words gave me the courage to stand up, dry off, put on clean pajamas and watch my mother drive away without chasing her down the driveway  begging her not to go. Since that day 15 years ago, I have cried those tears many times.  They were tears filled with fear – the fear that I would not have the strength to face the task before me – the fear of failure.

 

     I gained my footing with two girls, and we added two boys to our family.  Always in the back of my mind in quiet moments or sleepless nights, the fears would nag me.  Am I doing enough? Am I good enough?  Am I giving my children what they need?  What will happen to them if I fail?  What will happen to me?  What will their futures hold if I don’t get this right?

     With years of motherhood, experience taught me babies will eventually sleep through the night, potty training will pass, and temper tantrums will subside.  Those same years of experience taught me that I can try with all my might and give my children everything I’ve got – and I can still fail.  I will still fail.  I won’t have the answers.  I will be impatient, angry, tired, hormonal – sometimes all of these at once. I may have moments of being a perfect mother, but then the children will impatient, angry, tired or hormonal – maybe all of these at once.  BUT I look back and see that nothing depends on me.  It is all about His grace and mercy that hovers over me and my little family every day.

     I look at those first two babies who are young women now. I am in awe of the people they are becoming.  They are strong and beautiful.  I have high hopes for their futures – and the futures of their little brothers who right now are in the stage where you are certain they can only grow into juvenile delinquents.  I see that God’s grace and mercy has miraculously covered my failure and ineptitude in ways I never imagined possible.   But what IF?  These children aren’t grown yet.  What if they choose paths that are not what I picture?  The answer lies in realizing that it is not failure that we are called to give up – it is the FEAR of failure.  My children not only can fail – they will fail.  But the same grace and mercy that covers the mother will cover her children.