here i go again

so neglected this little blog lately. i miss it. it misses me. it is all i can do these days to get out of bed in the morning. i am so sleepy, the act of talking on the phone exhausts me. i am eating poorly, by that i mean cottage cheese and wheat thins and peanut butter and rice cakes. my laundry pile is embarrassing. i am actually sitting in my living room in total darkness because none of the lamps are plugged in because i am rearranging furniture. i shoulda drawn out all the pieces to scale and figured it out on paper. but no. that's too left brained for me. i just start pushing furniture. you cannot push furniture in sock feet. did you know that? it's a fact. you have to do it barefooted. i bought a new chair for $25 at the Nearly New Store which led to the purchase of 13 yards of fabric. i shipped it and a poor sketch of the chair off to Mama Deane to have her sweet little missionary lady make me a slip cover for it. it is way ugly at the moment. mixed in with my pottery barn assortment and antique auction furniture. i can't figure out where to squeeze it in. i got it because i think i am getting a roommate and i needed an additional seating area for when we are both here and living life, we don't have to do so knee to knee. yes, a roommate. i am petrified. i am a spoiled brat. i have always lived alone. well, college, but that doesn't count and i didn't cope so well with that either. i was great until holly got married and left me with that total stranger roommate and things went down hill. but then i found laura and we did have fun in that hot little house with that awful, thin, cheap, cheap carpet. but here i am 32 years old, about to share life with another human being. mornings, evenings, weekends, cleaning, cooking, resting, worshipping, eating. with someone else watching. eeek. part of me embraces this. another soul to come home to. someone to kill the bugs, wash the dishes or even just talk to me while i do. but part of me is F-reaking. she is gonna see how weird i am?! yikes. she is gonna see what an awful grouch i am in the mornings. she is gonna know that i wear the same hoodie every single solitary night and i really don't wash it very often. she is gonna see that i never check the mailbox or take out the trash and sometimes i let that little black ring surface just above the toilet water. eeek yikes. none of this was even what i came here to say and now i am going to be up another hour freaking. no. i am not. God told me He was sending her to help me. so He will be all in this and this will be glorious. ahhhh.

now. so i am in the living room and furniture is all over the place and it kinda bothers me but kinda not and i think i will just let it be a big mess in here for tonight. i am learning to let some things go. i pray that this roommate experience will be one where i have someone to help share the load and life will be easier. it is supposed to be this way anyway. we were created for community and to share and work together, not be all alone. our Western mindset is all wrong in praising independence and solidarity. the Africans have it right, community is everything. friendship is everything. we cannot survive without each other. so i am throwing up my hands and saying, "help". i am beating my head up against a brick wall and for what? opinions of others? not really. i got over that a long time ago. not everything has to be perfect. who is even gonna see this living room tonight, this week or even this month? just me. i have this insane "performance" thing that puts pressure on me to have things in order and to be done a certain way. and i am not even good at it. so i am giving up. i will get rid of the ring in the toilet and i think i may go start a load of laundry, because i like the ebb and flow of keeping things clean, tidy and in order, but not because i feel pressure to maintain.
God doesn't expect performance of any kind. He likes to just "be". i love to just "be". i am very, very good at it. if you ever hang out with me you will see me master it perfectly. i am not one to have huge long excited conversations, i like to just hang out with you. even in utter silence. just be. just come and sit. smile. nod. glance. hang. sip. taste. hug. then leave. this is how my earthly father and i communicate. he grunts, raises his eyebrows. nods. smiles. nods. grunts. scratches his chin. very few words are exchanged between us.

all this rambling to say. i am back. i hope and pray. life is slowly becoming more normal. more routine. and so many exciting things are happening that i cannot NOT share them. God is doing something massive in my life and i want to record it here so you can walk it out with me. all ten of you. i need your help. i need my community. my network. one of you little followers just offered to do my taxes. and that simple little act makes me feel not so alone. i relinquish my independence and cry HELP. plus i really need that check ASAP. i need to be held accountable. i need to be checked up on. especially since i live alone! i could totally choke on my rice cake and die and no one would know. so if i don't post soon...call me...if i don't answer try facebook, if no response...911.