HOME!!!!!!!

I feel like I have been gone for a year. I feel quite silly making such a big to do over food and all the things I didn't have, but I am enjoying hot water, delicious tasting foods in all varieties and enjoying these meals without the lizards, ants, and roaches watching me. I still have so much to process and pray about as I consider what the future may bring in taking me back to Africa. Right now I am dealing with the whirlwind of "re-entry" and getting back into my life I left behind. My time in Johannesburg with Cathi was beautiful. We had a fun time staying up late and going shopping the next day. Cathi is such a kind soul and I love being around people who love God and are simply laid down lovers, laying down their lives for the sake of the Gospel. Her heart is Africa and raising up disciples. She lives each day under His provision and is walking, talking proof of His kindness toward those who serve Him.

My flight home was pretty uneventful. I had been looking forward to the hours of endless television, but even that was not very entertaining. All the movies were horrible, all about infidelity and such sick twisted and very emotional television, that my little heart could not handle. I needed something light and entertaining and the only thing I could stand to watch the whole way through was an episode of "Frasier". All I could really see were faces of those I was leaving behind. The poor, severely handicapped orphan girl named Juliana in that village I visited on Thursday. Part of me was elated to be coming home and the other part consumed with finding ways to bring about a solution to the problem of vast poverty and sickness. I see a lot of problems and it has fueled a desire for me to research and look into ways to bring about aide and development and love to these villages. So I pretty much sat there and thought, reclined my seat all 3 degrees, snuggled under my thin blue polyfiber Delta blanket, closed my eyes and thought. I thought about all the discomforts and things that just drive me nuts about life there. I thought about all these children and their culture and their parents and their lack of education. I wondered if simply teaching them to read would help. I tried to list of all their real needs and wondered if there is an all inclusive model out there. Clearly they all need clean water, de-worming, food, ways to plant their own food, medications, education, and so much more. I thought about how distant parents seemed toward their children and just the way the culture is so different than ours. They often cast aside children once they are about 5 or so and the negative impact of all these rejected children has on the subsequent adults and parents that they then become. I thought about the lack of creativity and ambition and love. How can we teach them how to parent? How can we teach work ethic? How can we teach love, compassion or affection? I thought about all that I learned from them, generosity, desperation, survival. I though about coming back home and entering this world and living here, yet seeing their faces and not "doing" anything about it all. I don't want to turn a deaf ear just because the problem seems too overwhelming and just become so involved in my busy life of good food, reality TV and discount designer clothing stores.

Then suddenly, I found myself in Nancy's car and I am on an interstate that I recognize so well and suddenly we are going to a house, that when I close my eyes I have trouble even remembering what it all looks like and it seems like we are going to visit someone, but we are going to my house and it feels odd and I don't want to go there. I walk into what seems like the most sterile, clean, pristine, colorful, most beautiful place I have ever seen. And it is simply my kitchen. But it is glowing and everything is spotless and all the lighting is shining off all the stainless steel and the dining room is glowing and the floors don't even have a speck of dirt on them and I shed my shoes and they are clean beneath my feet. I crawl up on the kitchen counter and sit Indian style and Sherri hands me a tower of pancakes with strawberries and they are tart and burn my tongue with their sharp sweet flavor and I have never tasted food this good before in my whole life and my stomach is getting full and it feels so good. I put on a pot of coffee and slurp the drug that will keep me going for the rest of the day. I talk nonstop from the minute I walk in the door. I finally bathe but quickly turn off the water so I can listen to Sherri and Yvette's conversation going on in the dining room as I don't want to miss a thing. It feels good to be home and back with my sisters. I didn't want to wash my hair because it would take too long and I was due at Catherine's birthday party. So Sherri braided my hair for me and it felt so good to be touched my another human being.

Yvette made me take a video camera and document the events for a documentary she is doing called Missionary Diaries. (She interviewed me before I left and will again soon and I will try to post information on the progress and final product here). We watched a few of the installments and they laughed so hard at me and my goofy self and all my obvious expressions and candidness and I laughed too. I have no idea how it will all turn out and there are some rough moments on there that may not be very flattering, but I reckon I am willing to pay the price of embarrassment for the authenticity of my "diary".

I rushed up to Carla's and could not believe how amazing my car smelled and for the first time ever I loved that car. It has been a thorn in my side and I hated her for being so expensive and the whole way in which I had to get that dumb ole car and was mad my other TWO broke down and just looked at her with frustration and how I got ripped off by stupid NALLEY VOLVO (DON'T GO THERE). But yesterday, I put back the sunroof and gunned it. And took the wheel with so much genuine gratitude. I am the most blessed human being on the face of the earth. I really, really, really am.

I loved, loved seeing those babies. Catherine was glowing. My precious birthday girl. I got all the kisses that they would allow and had a big plate of macaroni and cheese and green beans and a biscuit and really ate so much I was almost miserable. Christine came too!! But the house was so full of guests and relatives that no one could really get a word in edgewise, except for Carla's husband's sister's husband who is loud and can talk above all the rest.

I kept waiting on my full tummy to make room for chocolate cake and about 5 o'clock it did and I chased it with milk and it was good.

The kids all went up to the pool and Carla and I were able to sit and talk a little, but how do you put three and a half weeks into 30 minutes? But I tried. I gave her the journal I kept and I plan on having many more conversations with her in the months to come about all that I am processing and all that I witnessed and all that I have and continue to dream about. She was there with me in spirit and I could tell she had been thinking about it all too. She was happy to have me back home and I was just so happy to be with her. It is not like we ever really get to talk much, and certainly go weeks without really talking heart to heart, but there was something about being half way around the world that makes the heart grow fonder. Plus, I wanted her there with me. She has a real gift of teaching and such a Mother heart and could be so invaluable there. I can see her now, teaching in a little village, making all those little children line up and obey, wiping all their snotty noses.

I gave the kids their little presents and everyone seemed satisfied. Catherine got a tie-dyed dress from the market and my copy of Hinds' Feet in High Places, Gracie got a Capalana, and Carson, an overpriced book about the African Bushveld from the airport that Carla says he has studied all day and said it was "just what he always wanted". And his new favorite animal is the pangolin. Poor Natty didn't get a thing, don't tell him.

I woke up this morning to my blackberry going off and wondered just who I was and whose bed I was in and it took me a moment to figure it all out. But I woke up smiling. There was milk in the fridge and soon hot coffee in my favorite cup. Suddenly Matt Lauer is in my living room. Michael Jackson is STILL making headlines! And the next thing I know I am looking back at myself, dressed in pink strappy sandals, Banana Republic plain front khakis with wide cuffs, starched blouse with capped sleeves and my pink seer sucker blazer with diamond stud earrings and a spritz of my new Mandarin orange perfume and I am happy. I walk right out the door, leaving my blackberry by the bed and purse on the counter and lunch in the freezer, but at least I remembered the car keys. I made it to work on time and cranked up the radio loud and sang along and didn't even notice the traffic.

I am confused as ever as to what all happened or what I will do in the future, but I am one grateful woman. I am blessed beyond measure. I am counting my blessings with every sweet smelling neck I get to hug (everyone is so CLEAN here?). I am undone by what all God is teaching me and showing me as I walk out this life. I have none of the answers, but I am walking in a new found freedom and gratitude. My heart is still the same, I want to bring nations from darkness into light. And I guess in stepping out into this dream, He is just showing me more of His goodness. He can be trusted. You can give Him your heart. You can give Him your ambition. You can give Him your career. You can give Him your past, your present and your future. We can get so overwhelmed and it is so easy to envy others and look at what we don't have. A quick trip to Mozambique will change all of that in an instant.

It may take a few days, but I do have photos and actual proof that I was really there and not faking emails from a flat in Paris. I really did go and didn't jump ship like I almost did the last time!

It is nice to be home. Thank you for your prayers. I hope this helps, for you to see the poor. To truly see the need of all of those around you, those poor in the natural and those poor in spirit. There is hunger and desperation all around us. The cup is both bitter and sweet, it is painful, but full of joy. This is a life with God, drinking of the cup of suffering, but knowing with it, you experience deeper joy than you could ever know otherwise. Sure, I have a million questions and the injustice hurts and only creates more questions. But my soul trusts in His sovereignty and I have no Plan B. I have seen His kindness and I trust Him. I love the way He has changed the affections of my heart and all I can do is place my hands over the once bitter, angry, jealous, envious, wounded heart of mine, close my eyes and fall back into His arms and trust that He will catch me.